On the edge of loss

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal ~

love leaves a memory no one can steal

~ from a headstone in Ireland

I went out onto the balcony at about 6:30 in the morning with my coffee as I often do.

Settling into the chair, a huge murmuration of hundreds of birds suddenly burst forth from the park next door and spread out across the city. Without thinking, I looked for the kitty cat, to point out to her this happy deluge of birds…

But alas. She left us in late July.

It’s a thing you try to keep to yourself – being heartbroken after the death of a pet, even when they’ve been with you for 20 years – because there isn’t much to say really, and well, heck, they aren’t technically “a person”…

But I gotta tell you, throughout the evolving empty nest home situation of a boy spreading his wings and making his way in the world, and then covid lockdowns, and other health challenges of the last few years, she has been, effectively, my person.

Now I have a little cylinder of ashes out sitting in her spot on the balcony.

Sometimes the balcony door suddenly opens by itself and I wonder if it is her, telling me that these fall nights are too cold for her to stay outside, and she really just wants to be in her heated bed.

Big picture, it really was all fantastically good.

She lived a long and glorious cat life.

She ruled the wilds of a phenomenal back yard for her first 10 years –

And in her older years, there was a smaller life in the quiet of a wee condo with Cat TV –

Still, managing the loss, the Never-Again-ness of death is so difficult to fathom – it arrives in bits and pieces over an extended period of time, perhaps never quite ending. You think the worst is over and then you wake from a dream in the wee hours and look for that little face, and remember again – gone.

*

In a more shocking development, we lost Tom, of Tom & Bea, very suddenly.

Only 55, it was / is still impossible to really comprehend. At the funeral service and wake it was striking to see the people – but maybe especially the men – wandering around stricken, with tears streaking their faces. How Tom with all his big-hearted generosity, his acceptance and love of so much humanity, allowed us to be ourselves – who else is there in this world to do this?

What an exceptional and beloved human to leave us so abruptly. Bea, I think of you every single day.

Tom, I want to share a tune, you know I do, and of course there are too many. So here is one of many –

*

On yet another note – one of temporary absence – my winged boy is off with a one-way ticket and no specific plans to return. His girlfriend has let slip a few more specifics than he has, mentioning perhaps a period of 2 years…

I’m trying to see it as a challenge – a challenge to build and strengthen every other aspect of life until he comes home again.

Lens Artists Challenge – On the Edge